Worms

The Little Man found a worm while out playing today.
What is it about little boys and worms? There is like some type of magnetic force that draws them together... along with dirt, bugs and anything that's loud.
Our day was filled full of spring rain showers. Everytime the clouds would lift and the rain would stop it was like a warm hug... that you did not even know you needed.
Hello June.

Five

Yesterday The Little Man turned five.
My baby boy is five. One whole hand.
The Hubby spent the day with him and even went to school with him. The Little man was super excited and enjoyed every minute of it.
When he got home I surprised him with five balloons and card.
We had already talked with him telling him that we were going to do cake and gifts on Saturday.
We even let The Little man pick out what he wanted for dinner. Thanks to advertising he decided to we should have a big box from Pizza Hut.

Tonight both of The Littles are spending the night at The Inlaws.
This is my first night I have ever spent away from The Little lady.
I know she will be just fine but it just feels a little strange.
Tomorrow The Hubby and I are headed out to one of the local neighborhoods since they are having a huge garage sale.
We have gone out to the sales a few years now but this will be our first time venturing out with out kids.
It should be fun.

So I better take advantage of my night to myself and get off the computer.
I will leave with five pictures of The Little Man.

Mothers day 2012

Enjoying the sunshine, family and food today.
Testing out my new iPod.
What a wonderful Mothers day.

Sunshine

Spring in the Pacific Northwest can be all over the place.

Today there were sun breaks, showers, down pours and even hail.

We met some friends at the park this morning. The weather was looking good.

The Little Lady spent most of the time on the swing but came off long enough to stand under the tree while the rain came down. The Little Man and his friend were not really fazed much by the rain. It just added to their fun by creating mud.

It was so nice to get together with a friend that I have not seen for way too long. She even greeted me with a great big hug that lasted 2 minutes.

Soon the rain was coming down in buckets and we had to part ways.

Then it seemed like we spent the next few hours in the car.

We seem to be spending more time in the car but hopefully soon the car will be able to stay parked and we will be able to get out and walk where we need to go.

Until then cars are a great place to take pictures.

These pictures we taken on Saturday when the sun was shining and sunglasses were needed.
Oh sun I know you are still there but its so hard to see you through all of these gray clouds.
Maybe the rain will hold off long enough tomorrow so we can get some seeds into the ground in the garden.
I am glad that my two Littles can me my sunshine's.

Evening in the sunshine

Yesterday the weather was beautiful and too amazing to pass up. So our family went to a local[ish] park to spend the evening flying kites, laying on the blanket and eating take out pizza.
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What a wonderful end to a fantastic day.

This Moment

This Moment - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no (a few) words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -Amanda Soule

(With everything that went on in my life over the past few months, my milk ended up drying up. I was happy yet sad all at the same time. I am glad I was able to nurse my daughter for just over two years. Now she has made it her goal in life to make sure her babies get plenty of 'milk.' My Little Lady is turning into quite a good Lilmama.)

One Month.. One very long month

One month ago I was pregnant with our third child.
One month ago I experience my first miscarriage.
One month ago my heart broke.

Lets back track to almost two months ago.
At the end of February I realized I was pregnant and I did not believe it. I would not take a test. I just kept thinking my period would come even though I knew in my heart that it was not going to come. I was in denial.
Finally one morning I decided it was about time to face reality. So I peed on a stick.
Yup the stick told me what I already knew, I was pregnant.
For about a week after I took that test I was still is such shock. I could not imagine my life with three kids right now. I did not want to be pregnant.

Going into the second week I started to get excited.
I was going to have another baby!
Just when things started looking up... I started bleeding.

The bleeding was off and on for at first.
I was not really concerned to much at first and then one day the bleeding started and it kept getting worst.
I took it easy. I prayed. I cried. I drank tea. I read. I tried to stay positive.
I was standing firm on some scriptures.
Malachi 3:11, Exodus 23:25-26 and Psalms 139:13
I was in communication with the nurses at my Midwifes office but I also knew that there was nothing any of them could do to make this stop.

Then Tuesday happened.
I dont think I will ever be able to forget Tuesday.
It all happened so fast and there was no way to stop it,
When it was over (for the most part) a few hours later I picked myself up and went and made dinner for my family.
I decided right then and there that I was going to be bigger than this.
No one had to tell me that I had a miscarriage. I knew. I was the one that experienced it.
When I heard the nurse say those words a few days later on the phone my heart broke.
But again I picked up the piece because my family needed me and I needed them.

The 'Im bigger than this' mentality worked for a little while but when life slowed down and I realized I am not bigger than this my emotions became all over the place.
Thats where I am at right now.
I keep reminding my self that God wont give me more than I can handle. And then I think why this?
Would I not of been able to handle three kids? Am I not a good enough mom? Is this all because I did not want this baby at the beginning? Why me? Why?
I  just keep thinking about this baby. I wont get to hear its first cry. Or smell its tiny head. Or kiss its button nose. Or tickle its little toes. Or hold it in my arms.
I wont be able to nurse it and watch it grow
Why?

All I have to hold on to is one day when my days on this earth are done I will get to meet this blessing. Then maybe I will be able to hold it in my arms and show it how much I cared.

Talk about kicking me when I am down. Went and saw my Midwife today and now I guess next week I am going in for a D and C.
I could just scream.
I thought that everything was getting back to normal but not yet.

One day I will find a new normal. One day.