Thursday, April 19, 2012

One Month.. One very long month

One month ago I was pregnant with our third child.
One month ago I experience my first miscarriage.
One month ago my heart broke.

Lets back track to almost two months ago.
At the end of February I realized I was pregnant and I did not believe it. I would not take a test. I just kept thinking my period would come even though I knew in my heart that it was not going to come. I was in denial.
Finally one morning I decided it was about time to face reality. So I peed on a stick.
Yup the stick told me what I already knew, I was pregnant.
For about a week after I took that test I was still is such shock. I could not imagine my life with three kids right now. I did not want to be pregnant.

Going into the second week I started to get excited.
I was going to have another baby!
Just when things started looking up... I started bleeding.

The bleeding was off and on for at first.
I was not really concerned to much at first and then one day the bleeding started and it kept getting worst.
I took it easy. I prayed. I cried. I drank tea. I read. I tried to stay positive.
I was standing firm on some scriptures.
Malachi 3:11, Exodus 23:25-26 and Psalms 139:13
I was in communication with the nurses at my Midwifes office but I also knew that there was nothing any of them could do to make this stop.

Then Tuesday happened.
I dont think I will ever be able to forget Tuesday.
It all happened so fast and there was no way to stop it,
When it was over (for the most part) a few hours later I picked myself up and went and made dinner for my family.
I decided right then and there that I was going to be bigger than this.
No one had to tell me that I had a miscarriage. I knew. I was the one that experienced it.
When I heard the nurse say those words a few days later on the phone my heart broke.
But again I picked up the piece because my family needed me and I needed them.

The 'Im bigger than this' mentality worked for a little while but when life slowed down and I realized I am not bigger than this my emotions became all over the place.
Thats where I am at right now.
I keep reminding my self that God wont give me more than I can handle. And then I think why this?
Would I not of been able to handle three kids? Am I not a good enough mom? Is this all because I did not want this baby at the beginning? Why me? Why?
I  just keep thinking about this baby. I wont get to hear its first cry. Or smell its tiny head. Or kiss its button nose. Or tickle its little toes. Or hold it in my arms.
I wont be able to nurse it and watch it grow

All I have to hold on to is one day when my days on this earth are done I will get to meet this blessing. Then maybe I will be able to hold it in my arms and show it how much I cared.

Talk about kicking me when I am down. Went and saw my Midwife today and now I guess next week I am going in for a D and C.
I could just scream.
I thought that everything was getting back to normal but not yet.

One day I will find a new normal. One day.


The Smiths said...

Your post brought me to tears. I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage before George and will never forget the ultrasound appointment...where we say NOTHING. My due date would have been at the end of this month. You will never forget, but you will love those little muchkins a little more (if that is possible) and realize just how precious life really is.

JosetteReygers said...

I'm so sorry, Karen.♥

*Michelle* said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, Karen. Time will make it bearable &, in the end, you will be stronger for it. Bee kind to yourself. You did nothing. This just happens sometimes. For no reason. It just does.

Take care, sis. Much love!

Jerrie said...

It's nothing you did. It just happened. Some of those same fears try to come against me because I don't have kids yet- don't believe the lies. The truth is you are loved and you are a wonderful mother. My heart hurts that you went through that. May you find comfort and peace in your time of healing.