Evening in the sunshine

Yesterday the weather was beautiful and too amazing to pass up. So our family went to a local[ish] park to spend the evening flying kites, laying on the blanket and eating take out pizza.
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What a wonderful end to a fantastic day.

This Moment

This Moment - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no (a few) words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -Amanda Soule

(With everything that went on in my life over the past few months, my milk ended up drying up. I was happy yet sad all at the same time. I am glad I was able to nurse my daughter for just over two years. Now she has made it her goal in life to make sure her babies get plenty of 'milk.' My Little Lady is turning into quite a good Lilmama.)

One Month.. One very long month

One month ago I was pregnant with our third child.
One month ago I experience my first miscarriage.
One month ago my heart broke.

Lets back track to almost two months ago.
At the end of February I realized I was pregnant and I did not believe it. I would not take a test. I just kept thinking my period would come even though I knew in my heart that it was not going to come. I was in denial.
Finally one morning I decided it was about time to face reality. So I peed on a stick.
Yup the stick told me what I already knew, I was pregnant.
For about a week after I took that test I was still is such shock. I could not imagine my life with three kids right now. I did not want to be pregnant.

Going into the second week I started to get excited.
I was going to have another baby!
Just when things started looking up... I started bleeding.

The bleeding was off and on for at first.
I was not really concerned to much at first and then one day the bleeding started and it kept getting worst.
I took it easy. I prayed. I cried. I drank tea. I read. I tried to stay positive.
I was standing firm on some scriptures.
Malachi 3:11, Exodus 23:25-26 and Psalms 139:13
I was in communication with the nurses at my Midwifes office but I also knew that there was nothing any of them could do to make this stop.

Then Tuesday happened.
I dont think I will ever be able to forget Tuesday.
It all happened so fast and there was no way to stop it,
When it was over (for the most part) a few hours later I picked myself up and went and made dinner for my family.
I decided right then and there that I was going to be bigger than this.
No one had to tell me that I had a miscarriage. I knew. I was the one that experienced it.
When I heard the nurse say those words a few days later on the phone my heart broke.
But again I picked up the piece because my family needed me and I needed them.

The 'Im bigger than this' mentality worked for a little while but when life slowed down and I realized I am not bigger than this my emotions became all over the place.
Thats where I am at right now.
I keep reminding my self that God wont give me more than I can handle. And then I think why this?
Would I not of been able to handle three kids? Am I not a good enough mom? Is this all because I did not want this baby at the beginning? Why me? Why?
I  just keep thinking about this baby. I wont get to hear its first cry. Or smell its tiny head. Or kiss its button nose. Or tickle its little toes. Or hold it in my arms.
I wont be able to nurse it and watch it grow
Why?

All I have to hold on to is one day when my days on this earth are done I will get to meet this blessing. Then maybe I will be able to hold it in my arms and show it how much I cared.

Talk about kicking me when I am down. Went and saw my Midwife today and now I guess next week I am going in for a D and C.
I could just scream.
I thought that everything was getting back to normal but not yet.

One day I will find a new normal. One day.

After dinner walk

After dinner walks are for...

Pretending your bike is a chopper.

Sporting Mamas bike helmet.

Wearing sun glasses.

Just being with the family.

Long shadows.

What a great way to end the day.

Getting our hands dirty

It was so nice this weekend. We finally got out and took care of weeding the garden.
I did not do anything with the garden after the fall harvest so it was a little over grown.
Before pictures-

Good thing I had two eager helpers.
The Littles had so much fun exploring the dirt. The worms and slugs were their favorite. The Little Man also had fun filling his dump truck full of weeds.
After pictures-

Now I just need to fluff up all the dirt and add in some compost and it will be ready for some plants.
I am thinking of doing mostly a salad garden with carrots, radishes, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, broccoli, peas and green beans.
My oldest brother is is doing an amazing job on the garden over at the lake house. We were over there today planting broccoli, carrots, spinach, corn and zucchini.
I am looking forward to spring and summer. Today does not really feel like spring since it is so cold and overcast. I guess I packed away The Littles winter clothes too soon.

Paint me a picture

I asked The Littles to paint me a picture while I did the dishes and started dinner.
Most days I will let them help me with the dishes but today I just wanted to get them done without a gallon of water on the floor.
I moved the easel into the kitchen and I let them go to town.
I did have to lay down a few ground rules before they started.
1) Both children had to share the painting space (no fighting).
2) The paint is to stay on the paper (no painting your sibling).
Then they were off to paint me a picture.

I did not realize until I took this picture that The Littles were both picked out striped shirts today. I had nothing to do with the matching stripes. Both kids insist on picking out their own cloths and putting them on by themselves. Even though one little two year old needs help to get the clothes on the correct way most of the time but when it does not really matter I just leave it. Tonights pajama shirt is on backwards but its all good.
If there is an outfit or shirt that I want either one of The Littles to wear on a given day I have to do a little prep talk a few days before or otherwise I am in for a huge battle.
Back to painting.

Not long into their painting The Little lady was off to the bathroom to get a stool to sit on. The stool brought up rule number 3) Share the stool (dont push).
Before I knew it I was done with the dishes and The Littles were done with the painting.
There was no fighting, no pushing and no water on the floor. Win, win, win!!

They were so excited to show The Hubby the painting when he go home from work.
I think that they did an amazing job working together to create this work of art. Now to find just the right spot to hang it since The Little Man checks the recycling daily to make sure his artwork is not in there.
But this is much to beautiful for the recycling.

Hugs

Keep truckin'

I am not a runner and I will never ran in the Boston Marathon.
I am not a biker and I will never competed in a Tour de France.
I am not a mountain climber and I will never summit Mt. Everest.
But what I do know to keep moving on the the end prize you have to keep truckin'.

It has been a month since I last posted and a few months since I 'really' posted.
I am ready to put one foot in front of the other.
I have two amazing kids that keep me moving no matter what.
I dont really feel ready but I know that its what I need to do.
So hopefully this time I can truly say... I am back. I am not back to normal but that will take a little more time.
But I am back.