One Month.. One very long month

One month ago I was pregnant with our third child.
One month ago I experience my first miscarriage.
One month ago my heart broke.

Lets back track to almost two months ago.
At the end of February I realized I was pregnant and I did not believe it. I would not take a test. I just kept thinking my period would come even though I knew in my heart that it was not going to come. I was in denial.
Finally one morning I decided it was about time to face reality. So I peed on a stick.
Yup the stick told me what I already knew, I was pregnant.
For about a week after I took that test I was still is such shock. I could not imagine my life with three kids right now. I did not want to be pregnant.

Going into the second week I started to get excited.
I was going to have another baby!
Just when things started looking up... I started bleeding.

The bleeding was off and on for at first.
I was not really concerned to much at first and then one day the bleeding started and it kept getting worst.
I took it easy. I prayed. I cried. I drank tea. I read. I tried to stay positive.
I was standing firm on some scriptures.
Malachi 3:11, Exodus 23:25-26 and Psalms 139:13
I was in communication with the nurses at my Midwifes office but I also knew that there was nothing any of them could do to make this stop.

Then Tuesday happened.
I dont think I will ever be able to forget Tuesday.
It all happened so fast and there was no way to stop it,
When it was over (for the most part) a few hours later I picked myself up and went and made dinner for my family.
I decided right then and there that I was going to be bigger than this.
No one had to tell me that I had a miscarriage. I knew. I was the one that experienced it.
When I heard the nurse say those words a few days later on the phone my heart broke.
But again I picked up the piece because my family needed me and I needed them.

The 'Im bigger than this' mentality worked for a little while but when life slowed down and I realized I am not bigger than this my emotions became all over the place.
Thats where I am at right now.
I keep reminding my self that God wont give me more than I can handle. And then I think why this?
Would I not of been able to handle three kids? Am I not a good enough mom? Is this all because I did not want this baby at the beginning? Why me? Why?
I  just keep thinking about this baby. I wont get to hear its first cry. Or smell its tiny head. Or kiss its button nose. Or tickle its little toes. Or hold it in my arms.
I wont be able to nurse it and watch it grow
Why?

All I have to hold on to is one day when my days on this earth are done I will get to meet this blessing. Then maybe I will be able to hold it in my arms and show it how much I cared.

Talk about kicking me when I am down. Went and saw my Midwife today and now I guess next week I am going in for a D and C.
I could just scream.
I thought that everything was getting back to normal but not yet.

One day I will find a new normal. One day.